el champion!
Ladies and Gentlmen, let me introduce the 2003 New York Chinatown Dumpling Eating Champion (amateur division):





as some of you may know, my eating schedule is very erratic. i will often have a huge meal, and then not eat for another 24 hours. i guess i've got a reptilian metabolism...

anyway, such an event occurred this friday. i got an insane sandwich at the west village's most beloved pork store, fiaco's. i was actually only able to consume half of this monstrous sandwich (the rest is waiting for me in the fridge at work. oh sweet, sweet pork, i can not wait to be reunited with you). in the aftermath of this porkstravigansa my stomach was left in a total state of shock. even the steak dinner celebrating mrkevincostner's birthday could not rouse it to action. those of you who know me personally probably know what an odd and shocking turn of events it is for me to abstain from hot, red juicy beef.

after a night of much liquid nourishment (also in celebration of the afore mentioned live journal celebrity and all around good guy's birth), my stomach was left in a state that did not encourage solid nourishment, despite my long fast. in fact, my entire physiology strongly encouraged me to lie in bed and watch cartoons for a couple of hours. always one to listen to my body (unless it is telling me to stop ingesting something, or stop throwing myself on the ground, or anything else silly like that), i proceeded to do just that.

after a couple of hours of said activity, i finally forced myself to bath, dress and prepare to leave the safety of my domicile for some greasy, eggy food stuffs. i was literally on my way out the door, when my friend dug called me in a panic.

dug: gus, you gotta get over to china town, right now!

gus: huh?

dug: there's gonna be a dumpling-eating contest, you gotta come down here a join it.

gus: huh?

dug: the guys who run the nathan's hot-dog eating contest are down here having a dumpling eating contest, and they're going to have an amateur contest.

gus: ok.

after this very cerebral conversation with my friend, i got the coordinates of this contest and literally ran there (from the lower east side, so it's not that great of a feat). i figured that an eating contest equaled free lunch, which is always good.

i got there just as the pros were starting. you might right now be scratching your head and thinking to yourself

"pros? you mean professional gluttons?!"

yes, indeed i do. these guys are in the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE)



they know how to eat. ANYTHING. the third guy from the right came to competition with his sails freshly filled by a victory at a national mayonnaise eating contest. MAYONNAISE EATING. despite my dutch heritage, i am not too wild about eating much mayonnaise, even on sandwiches, let alone eating a whole bowl of the stuff. suffice it to say, these guys are machines.

watching a man eat 91 pork dumplings in 8 minutes was quite honestly horrifying. i was seriously reconsidering this contest, but the thought of free lunch overcame all other factors.

after some posing for the camera:



i was ready to hunker down and eat some dumplings. due to the overwhelming number of people interested in some free food (surprise!) the stage was a little over-crowded, so i was shoved off to a corner in the back, away from the limelight. this was fine by me as i was not in this for the glory (other than the gloriously free lunch.)

i started somewhat gingerly



but soon got into the swing of things



the competition was heating up



the guy on the right, "mike" was "representing all of the homeless of new york city". i was a little surprised there weren't more representatives of this large, proud, hungry group. they must have left their cell phones off that morning.

but, even the hunger of the streets could not overcome two hundred pounds of dutch farmer stock. when the dumplings were tallied, i had a crushing victory with 47 dumplings in three minutes (one dumpling every 3.8 seconds).




the audience was shocked, and the pros were impressed. i got a big bear hug from the second-place pro, Eric "Badlands" Booker. we then had a quiet discussion that apparently involved some bizarre facial gesticulations on my part.




as i was handed my trophy, i was informed that my victory proved me a worthy candidate for the pantheon of stunt-eating, and that i was now an official member of the IFOCE. that's right, i too am now a professional glutton. my mom will be so proud.



here i am with the winer of the pro devision, Ed "Cookie" Jarvis. just before this picture was taken, this man, who had just eaten 91 dumplings, was eating cannolis. not a connoli. multiple cannolis.


after two days of eating as much dead pig as i could get in my mouth, i figured i should do a little atonement. being in chinatown, my nearest conduit to the sublime (other than an asian massage parlor) was the buddhist temple on canal and broadway.



having cleared my conscience, i posed for one last shot with my new manager in front of the manhattan bridge.